Philip and I got married on August 23 and my brother was killed on November 23, so today, February 23, marks six months of marriage and three months without Jay.

I still can't really put into words how we're doing. You never really know where you are in the midst of grief. It's a daily battle to be patient with myself as I recover. I don't remember how we were two weeks ago or what I was specifically working through, but I do remember today. Our lives really are His and our times really are in His hands. I'm learning more and more to trust more deeply. It is so hard to not look toward tomorrow or back to seven months ago. I so often grow weary looking toward the future and dwelling on the past, failing to see today. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end and they are new every morning.

Through grief and all the struggles that come our way with the transition of a new city, new jobs, and new community, I often fall in the trap of lies: "If only I could just go away for a little bit and be healed of this grief away from Philip. I'll be much stronger [lie] and more of an encouragement to him during all this transition [lie]." There's no hiding in marriage and there are no breaks. The Lord wants no hiding and no breaks. I'm thankful for Philip and his patience with me--thankful for the way that the Lord is using him to show me His kindness. I'm thankful for marriage and the way it has been used to mold us more into the image of Christ.

I hate tasting death, but tomorrow isn't mine and I'm thankful that I believe that.